Dreams can be stuff of legend, unbelievable tales of wonder and amazement.
As I dream, I have been to the mountains, mountains so high and vast that I am turned to nothing just by standing, watching a sunset so pure that a single mote of dust would have marred the sight that no eyes have ever seen. And I finally felt a connection to the place where humans have been given dominion over all.
I have stood in front of cameras broadcasting to billions of people and led nations to peace and understanding, speaking in dozens of languages as I touch the hearts of those whose understanding is limited by their own myopic vision.
I have pushed the limits of human endurance and tolerance for pain and exhaustion, as I became a metaphor for human achievement in the fields of sport, and in those moments, every soul had hope for the future, because in the end hope is what binds us together.
And I have befriended the friendless and the ignorant, reaching deep into the heart of a lost one, making contact and finding common ground and fellowship with a harmony of spirit; that despite all that is different on the surface, we are all just the same - in the same condition, the same trouble, the same joy and pain.
In in the end, my dreams have all turned to naught, and I am still here, not on the mountaintop, having seen nothing through these eyes, and having touched no one through these hands. Where my dreams have been, my body has failed to reach.
I have lost the path to my dreams. It is no wonder that night comes easily to me, because in my dreams I find fellowship where my reality has none.
It really begs the question then, because there are no answers as to why reality is inapposite to where I go when I close my eyes. There is a hollowness with the daily grind, the things we do to survive. The dreams are insubstantial and nothing fills their place. And the oppression begins, starting small in the morning and grows by the hour until the evening comes and I am exhausted from the struggle to breathe and to live.
How do I cope, other than to remain disciplined and stoic?
There is risk to push the world of dreams and the world of reality together. Aside from the impossibility aspect, there is the understanding that a failure here would render both worlds to die. Apart, both survive. Together, there is nothing but failure.
My dreams have failed because they have been far too perfect to exist in the world I inhabit. A sobering conclusion, but perhaps the only sane explanation.
-David
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
P-35 Gene Expression
I didn't do so well in my biochemistry and genetics classes, since I was an economics major and trying to match up against hyper-competitive pre-med Harvard students when you just want to learn about protein folding in a topical way, well, that's not very smart.
So really, I have no idea what I am talking about when I say gene expression. What I remember from my classes is so jumbled, even now, and so I can honestly say that that it never made sense, not then and not now. So what do I know about the P-35 gene? Well, nothing actually. I don't even know if there is a P-35 gene, but that's not really my point.
I believe that there is a gene in most people's foundation that allows them to recognize and to accept friendship. It is a social gene, and it is inherently recognizable by those who have it. i.e., if you are social, you automatically fit better in a group than those who are not social, and thus social individuals tend to cluster, while those who are not social tend to be isolated and alone. Since social character is evolutionarily useful, it is reasonable to assume that over time, those who are social tend to be dominant in any sub-group. Not without a slight bit of irony, God's design for us is that we are built to need not only God, but each other as well. Evolutionarily-speaking, there is no apriory requisite for God, but how coincidental is it that both God and evolution produced the need for humans to co-exist together, all the while seeking a way back to God.
Anyway, that's tangential. So I name this characteristic of most individuals to be a manifestation of the P35 expression. And, for whatever reason, I am in the minority. In my body, in my design, in my life, the regulator of the P35 gene has been switched to the 'off' position.
And so I am a socially disabled person, to speak in a more politically-correct manner. I have but few friends, in fact other than my wife, I can name but one person, a more or less life-long friend who has carried me through my life with not a little humor. But again, I digress.
It has taken me a long time to understand this part of my own life, to accept the fact that some people aren't meant to have friends plural, but are meant to exist apart from nearly all others, to watch from afar as the socialization soup swirls around. For a long time though, I was bitter and saddened by this fact, because to be designed so is to be thrown onto an deserted isle, and there is no haven from one's own life when the only company is you.
But like a child, I am petulant and blinded by my own needs, unable to see beyond my own nose. Perhaps the "why" is not so important right now, so much as it is important to decide what there is to do about it.
Like any handicap, social isolation is no greater than mountain built by the mind's eye. It is a truly interesting story to see how people overcome their obstacles. For some, blindness is a crippling curse, but for others, it a means to express the Glory of God through other means.
So what is it for me? A pitiful curse or an opportunity for God's Glory? Or neither? Something in between?
I'm not sure. Authenticity forces me to look within first, and no action for God's Glory can start with fear, or with greed. It is a difficult thing, to take what God has given you and to look upon it as a blessing despite itself and despite yourself, and to really mean it. This is akin to the idea of salvation. Asking God for His forgiveness cannot be for selfish reasons, because the act of penitence is a self-less act. It means that you aren't central to the raison d'tre, and then God replies, "Okay, we are at the beginning now." God nods and says, "When you are ready to listen, I am ready to talk."
And maybe I'll be ready to listen soon, and figure out another part of my life.
-David
So really, I have no idea what I am talking about when I say gene expression. What I remember from my classes is so jumbled, even now, and so I can honestly say that that it never made sense, not then and not now. So what do I know about the P-35 gene? Well, nothing actually. I don't even know if there is a P-35 gene, but that's not really my point.
I believe that there is a gene in most people's foundation that allows them to recognize and to accept friendship. It is a social gene, and it is inherently recognizable by those who have it. i.e., if you are social, you automatically fit better in a group than those who are not social, and thus social individuals tend to cluster, while those who are not social tend to be isolated and alone. Since social character is evolutionarily useful, it is reasonable to assume that over time, those who are social tend to be dominant in any sub-group. Not without a slight bit of irony, God's design for us is that we are built to need not only God, but each other as well. Evolutionarily-speaking, there is no apriory requisite for God, but how coincidental is it that both God and evolution produced the need for humans to co-exist together, all the while seeking a way back to God.
Anyway, that's tangential. So I name this characteristic of most individuals to be a manifestation of the P35 expression. And, for whatever reason, I am in the minority. In my body, in my design, in my life, the regulator of the P35 gene has been switched to the 'off' position.
And so I am a socially disabled person, to speak in a more politically-correct manner. I have but few friends, in fact other than my wife, I can name but one person, a more or less life-long friend who has carried me through my life with not a little humor. But again, I digress.
It has taken me a long time to understand this part of my own life, to accept the fact that some people aren't meant to have friends plural, but are meant to exist apart from nearly all others, to watch from afar as the socialization soup swirls around. For a long time though, I was bitter and saddened by this fact, because to be designed so is to be thrown onto an deserted isle, and there is no haven from one's own life when the only company is you.
But like a child, I am petulant and blinded by my own needs, unable to see beyond my own nose. Perhaps the "why" is not so important right now, so much as it is important to decide what there is to do about it.
Like any handicap, social isolation is no greater than mountain built by the mind's eye. It is a truly interesting story to see how people overcome their obstacles. For some, blindness is a crippling curse, but for others, it a means to express the Glory of God through other means.
So what is it for me? A pitiful curse or an opportunity for God's Glory? Or neither? Something in between?
I'm not sure. Authenticity forces me to look within first, and no action for God's Glory can start with fear, or with greed. It is a difficult thing, to take what God has given you and to look upon it as a blessing despite itself and despite yourself, and to really mean it. This is akin to the idea of salvation. Asking God for His forgiveness cannot be for selfish reasons, because the act of penitence is a self-less act. It means that you aren't central to the raison d'tre, and then God replies, "Okay, we are at the beginning now." God nods and says, "When you are ready to listen, I am ready to talk."
And maybe I'll be ready to listen soon, and figure out another part of my life.
-David
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