In Memoriam

When a person passes from this life into the next, the family and the friends of the one who leaves them bereft of all but memories struggle to understand.

Joy turns into a hollow, empty space, and reason flees in the face of overwhelming sorrow, confusion and anger. What is left but to grieve, to hold the memory of the departed closer to our bosom than we had before the departure? How weak are those feelings that bubble forth from deep tragedy, impotent against the reality of life and death.

Comfort does not appear in the Bible, at least not to me. No, it is not the Bible that holds the faith that we will see the departed again. That faith must lie within us, and we cling to such faith because without it, all sense and logic turn to ashes just like the warming fire that must burn out when the fuel run outs. Comfort does not come in the masses of people that come to the door to offer condolences, again, not to me. Words of soothing and care will not bring back those we have lost, nor can they assuage the feelings hidden deep in the heart, feelings that cannot be expressed without also acknowledging the guilt of the guilty. We are always responsible for those we lose, and it is always our fault. Only God can forgive us for our sins, and only on Judgment Day will be freed from the chains of our own responsibility. Jesus Christ may save us from our mortal sinful selves, but responsibility remains until we face God and those who have already passed.

How then, really, can I restore my friend's life, my brother's life when he and his family have lost the bedrock of their lives? What can I do, but grieve silently and pray that God might bring blessing instead of pain to him who I love? Everything that I know, everything that I hold close to canon, all sound hollow coming from my lips. No lessons from the Book of Job, no comfort in words of Paul or in the songs of David. I refuse to engage in the knowledge of the mind when the pain lies in the heart.

We live in the darkest of times, when life moves so quickly that we are young and innocent one day, and old men and women the next. And in between such days, there is nothing but clutter and noise, need and want. In the blink of an eye, we find ourselves missing out on a lifetime of our families, the bonds of blood and friendship that we have taken for granted up until the moment we realize how fragile our mortal bodies really are.

Why does it take the passing of a life of one close to us, to realize the preciousness of God's gift? Every day, hundreds and thousands of random people around the world are brought to finality, and we do not notice or spend a second moment to reflect. Does it really have to take the ripping out of pieces of our hearts, to heed God's warning to us all?

And so, I sit here and write. Nearby, my friend and brother sits grieving with his family for a father departed before so much life that could have been. And nothing that I can do will take away the pain, the torment, the guilt and the fear that must be. I am broken, and yet I can only pray that God would first take care of my brother before me.

-David