Time Passes

Time passes and we get older. Time passes and everybody else gets older. And all the while, the meaning of it all escapes me.

I guess I've reached a plateau in my understanding of how things work around me.

1. You have friends, and they develop relationships with you. Some fall away, others take their place, and there is a dynamic quality to it all.

2. You have family, and they keep a relationship with you. There is a static quality to it all, even as your parents grow older right before your eyes.

3. You have work, and this is a means to sustain yourself and those whom you support.

4. You have your free time, and you dream, you play, you renew your body and mind in an attempt to divert your searching, or perhaps you use the time to ponder the life you really had no idea you would have, way back when.

5. And you have God, who in His infinite wisdom, gave you all you need to survive both in this world and in the next.

So, why do I feel like I am alone in this world?

To whom am I talking, why do I even write these posts if I expect and hope for no response? Where is the fellowship of the mind, the singularity that would lead to something more than the trivial, something more lasting than a "hello, goodbye." The truth is, I am a grain of sand on the beach, and surrounded by countless other grains of sand, I am not unique. Alone, yes, but unique, no. And it makes it hard to get up in the morning.

Here are the facts.

1. I am to a degree, a well-adjusted person. I have compensated for my short-comings, and I have rationalized my life to a point where I am more or less comfortable in my state. I call this "balance." But, at the same time, I am scarred I am less inclined to forgive the world for my condition, and thus I am also a cynic and potentially amoral.

2. There is this test I came up with a while ago, to help me to determine what is real around me. It goes something like this - picture yourself in a room with a chair and a cell phone, and an up-to-date phone book with the names and numbers of everyone whom you've ever encountered in your life. In the room, now, let's say that a $50M (after tax) check magically appears, made out to you. Who would be the first people you would call, to share the news? Let's make it your top five people. The check disappears, and another piece of paper appears, but this time it is a divorce decree - your spouse has moved on, leaving you alone. Who would you call first, to share this grim piece of news? Let's make this list also a top-five list. Now, let's merge the lists by only taking the people who appear in BOTH lists. Those are the people with whom you would want to share your life - the good news, the bad news, these people take it all.

Now, how many of those people on that merged list would call you first? Let's say that you had four people who appear in both top five lists above. Which of the four people would have you on their merged list?

For me, there is nobody. In fact, I am pretty sure I don't make any list (good or bad) of anyone else. And, so, what does this mean? Well, it doesn't "mean" anything, per se, except what it is. And so I don't rationalize this or explain it, and I don't ponder the significance of it. But, as much as I accept my life the way that it is, I also feel a bit of sadness I guess, because who knows what could have been, or might be yet, if only I were a different person.

But I am who I am, and there is a price to be paid.

-David