Father To Son, Part 1

I wrote this in an email to a friend, and it is, I think, a turning point in my relationship with my father.

I learned something very, very important last week, about the relationship between my father and myself, and I think it might change a lot about the way I feel about almost everything.

I used to dread having to speak to my dad, because he would always, always yell at me, criticize me, embarrass me, lecture me, and in all ways forcing his views in my face and trying to coerce me into accepting his way of thinking. There are countless stories of things and events that have happened between my dad and me, things that fill up the back of my brain, and things that have inevitably influenced me for better or for worse.

These father-son episodes were all very repugnant to me, and there was so little that I respected about the way he went about things. Whenever I could, I rejected his words out of hand, and even a bit childishly ridiculed them. Obviously, this caused him to fly into a rage and curse at me, etc. But I provoked him on purpose because I would rather him rage at me for 20 minutes than have him criticize and lecture me for even 21 minutes. It caused a great deal of indirect hurt to happen to me (which is funny, because my dad's rage was vented directly at me, not indirectly), and a great deal of direct hurt to happen to my dad (which is also funny, because my refusal to accept my dad's point of view should be an indirect hurt).

But here's what the Holy Spirit revealed to me last week. My dad, for all his brilliance and for all his faults, was, in his limited way, trying to create a relationship between me and him. It was the only way he could communicate with me, the only method he knows how to communicate with his son. And I couldn't see that until last week. So, for the great majority of my adult life, I have been throwing his words back at him in various ways, and this action was really me rejecting his attempts to reach out to me. And me, by purposely provoking him and accepting his rage rather than his "counsel," I was indirectly turning myself to stone - my heart was hardening to my dad, and I didn't even know it.

I don't condone or respect the way that my dad handled things with me, when I was growing up. But I understand it now, I see the limitations and the history which made him make difficult choices with parenting and having him decide that, given how difficult it was to succeed in this world, it was more important to "toughen" me up than it was for me to feel loved, in the short term.

There's more to be said, but I guess, for later.

-David

Ideas for Men's Ministry (Part III)

This is the last part to my thoughts on fellowship and men's ministry. I had a few dreams about fellowship over the last few days, and independently of that, I had a thought which really struck me about the relationship between fathers and sons. I decided to write about fellowship specifically and finish this three-part email, rather than spending the time to write about what struck me about the father-son relationship (which is also interesting, but not quite relevant here - it will have to be forthcoming as a separate blog post).

Fellowship as the strengthening of the ministry.
In Acts 16, Paul the Missionary meets up with Timothy, and a legendary duo is created. They went around strengthening churches and encouraging people in their faith. In Acts 18-19, Paul continues to go around and around, strengthening churches and encouraging people. Throughout Acts, the growth of the body of Christ occurs hand in hand with the tireless work by the disciples through time spent by them with the people - (1) teaching, (2) encouraging, (3) praying.

What strikes me always about Acts is how the church is grown through those three actions:

Teaching.
This sort of dovetails with what I said in the my last email, which is about maturity and leadership. The act of teaching the Word is fellowship. To teach the Word means that you have to know the Word. And, picking up a Bible study packet every few months or reading the latest Christian-themed book now and again, isn't good enough to teach. What is interesting about Paul in Acts is that Paul never stops teaching, not even when he's in someone's home, on the road, at a market, or even when he's been arrested. Paul doesn't just refute false testimony - he gives true testimony in the form of teaching.

An idea, therefore, for a men's ministry, is to develop teachers. And the only way to develop teachers is to teach. Not only about the Word, but how to communicate the Word in a manner that others can learn.

Encouragement.
What exactly does it mean to have encouragement? Paul speaks of encouragement in terms of keeping and not losing "heart," as in 2Corinthians: "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we received mercy, we do not lose heart...For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day."

The afflictions of this world are many. We are crushed, like Paul says, we are confused, we are persecuted, struck down, blinded and tortured. And these afflictions are more metaphorical in our time, than the actualities in Paul's time, but no less real to us. As the believers lost heart constantly in Paul's time, so we do lose heart constantly in this time. So the question is, how do we encourage one another and to manifest the glory of God in our own bodies, so that we are renewed, so that others are renewed, so that we do not lose heart?

I think that Paul was able to do it because he was real to the people he visited. Whenever he went anywhere, Paul was able to encourage the people around him. He met them where they were, whatever village or town, Paul went to them, put himself in the place where the people were, and he stayed in their homes, lived with them, months or even years. In this day and age, every family is its own village / town, separated from other village / towns and each family is full of its own secrets, its own troubles, its own problems, and, on the flip side, full of its own joys, its own triumphs and its own blessings.

How can there be encouragement when each family, each man, is its own walled fortress? To encourage someone, one cannot do it from afar. That would properly be called "cheer-leading" and not true encouragement. When the cheering ends, then encouragement ends. True encouragement means going to the town / village and staying there, months or years even.

Who knows what troubles are crushing the spirits of our brothers? Who knows what burdens are better shared over the long term, months or years worth of burdens, or burdens that may never be lifted in our lifetimes? To which of those burdens are we willing, as men, to commit for the long term?

If it isn't a commitment, then it isn't encouragement. It is cheer-leading. And Paul was never a cheer-leader.

Praying.
As always, all of these things are just works by the hands of men, and are destined to fail if not done with prayer. Prayer is not just intercession. Prayer is teaching, in the form of God teaching through the Holy Spirit. Prayer is maturity in knowing that your own works and your own energy is not enough to make a difference.

And prayer is teaching, in the form of the cascade that I talked about in the previous email. We pray separately, and then we pray together and we teach and we learn when we pray, not just from God, but from each other. And again, we pray separately and then we pray together, and we get encouraged not just from God, but from each other. And finally, we pray because it is what was commanded of us. We pray together because that is what was commanded of us.

***

And so would we strengthen the ministry, like Paul did, and like Timothy did, learning from Paul.

-David

Ideas for Men's Ministry (Part II)

Okay, this is Part 2 in the series of emails. Originally, Part 1 wasn't really "part 1" but the whole. But then as I thought about things, I realized that I really missed a huge chunk of what it means to be "in" Christian fellowship, and I wanted to make sure that I got everything down before I forget things. So I wrote the second part, and soon realized that there would be more than just part 1 and part 2, but in any case, here's what I wrote:

Part I was about things that are necessary for fellowship, but not necessarily sufficient. I hope that Part II will add the components that will be sufficient for real fellowship.

Here are more thoughts I had.

1. Christian Maturity. This is one of the things that not many people talk about, but it is sort of assumed by everyone. Maybe it isn't talked about much because it is such an individual thing.

Everyone has different life experiences, different set of parents with different fathers, and so they have different starting points with different rates of speed in terms of emotional, mental and spiritual stability. But we have a responsibility, and this responsibility means that we have to, we must be more than what we are. It is a duty that we have to live up to.

Hebrews 5-6:
Concerning [Jesus] we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing. For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil. Therefore leaving the elementary teaching about the Christ, let us press on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, of instruction about washings and laying on of hands, and the resurrection of the dead and eternal judgment.

The "pressing on" (in the greek, 'pheros') refers to us allowing ourselves to be borne along like a ship in the wind, in this case by the Holy Spirit, and not stopping at the foundations of our faith.

There are two meanings of this passage here that hit me. The first is that I don't always do what I am supposed to do, and by this I mean that I am sometimes immature in my actions. And here's the point with respect to that. I am aware of my immaturity because I can sense when I am doing wrong or, at the least, I am not actively pursuing what is right. And while in a legal sense, and in a utilitarian sense, we are only obligated not to do evil, this is not enough for Christians. We are commanded by God to be perfect, to be holy, to be good, to do right, to be Christ-like. It is an imperative, and only those who are mature can understand what it means to be Christ-like.

And the second is that we ought to be teachers. Teachers are role-models. And teachers are those who lead. Teachers are those who are actively entrusted with the duty to teach, and not to stand by and watch. And teachers are those who act when those are students are unable to act. That's their job. That's what they are paid to do.

So Christian maturity is about leading by example, by actively instructing those who know less, and by permitting oneself to be borne on the Holy Spirit (like a ship in the wind) to become Christ-like. And this isn't an option, it is an imperative. By God.

2. Hierarchy and what leadership entails.
Leadership is not about commanding people about. And soldiering isn't about giving and receiving orders. What battlefield commanders know inherently is that victory is achieved through achievement in a series of little objectives that are coherent with reference to the overarching goal. Leadership is imbued in all of this, from the goal-seeking little objectives and the formulation and push toward the overarching goal. There is, at the top level, always, only one overarching goal, and leadership is the devolution of that goal. This is so important that I will repeat it - leadership is the devolution of the overarching goal.

2 Timothy
You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. The things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, entrust these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.

Much to talk about with this passage, but I will limit it to a few thoughts. First, Paul is exhorting Timothy to teach men who will then teach others. Paul believes in Timothy's maturity, and he hands Timothy's marching orders to teach. Paul = teacher. Timothy = teacher. Timothy's students = future teachers. Normal leadership implies two things - those that lead and those that follow. Christian leadership, however, implies THREE things - those that lead, those that follow, and those who follow who will become leaders. Christian leadership is a cascade.

Now, what is the overarching goal of Christians? Well, it is debatable I guess, but my feeling is that it has something to do with the simple premise of Fellowship With God. Fellowship with God is God's wish for us, and this is, really, it. The devolution of this goal is what Christian leadership should be.

Now, the men's ministry has its own group tag, and certainly the self-styled "band of brothers" group is a good name, coming from Shakespeare's Henry V, where Henry rallies his troops with these words that impart much feeling in the face of overwhelming odds and probability of certain death - "but we in it shall be remembered- we few, we happy few, we band of brothers; for he to-day that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother; be he never so vile, this day shall gentle his condition; and gentlemen in England now-a-bed shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks that fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."

But these original band of brothers, though horizontal in nature (all faced the same death by French sword on the same battlefield, and had faced the same lack of food supplies, the same disease of dysentary, and the same battle weariness of being so far from home), were still led by Henry V, who did what his duty was to do: lead his troops by example and by teaching what it means to be a soldier. And likewise, Christian hierarchy is leading by example, teaching to those who will teach, and to endure like soldiers. The brotherhood, the koinonia aspect of the band, is in the endurance of what it means to be a Christian, to share in the joys and in the sorrows (and recognizing that it is all good), and to be strengthened by the horizontal shared experience.

But the maturity aspect of Christianity will obligate those who are mature to teach and to lead, and to make future teachers. And that, to me, is what fellowship is. We who are mature lead by letting ourselves be led by the Holy Spirit and then to pass on what we are taught to those who will lead and, as we lead, so do we also follow and bear our hardships together.


-David

Ideas for Men's Ministry (Part I)

This is Part 1 of a series of emails that I wrote, discussing matters of ministering to men, fellowship and what it means to be encouraged. These emails sprang out of what I felt needed to be emphasized in a men's group ministry.

Seeing what is real. The issue isn't who we are, but what we think we are.

I find that generalizing how "men" are, even given the inherent differences between men and women, are less than salutary. This is true even given cultural norms and traditional roles that are foisted upon men. If we find it difficult to reach out to other individuals or to let others reach out to us, to "be real," then this isn't necessarily a "man" issue, but it could be more of a perspective issue. In other words, what we perceive to be our nature may or may not be our nature.

(This is not to say that men do not have roles within the family unit, within the Christian governance unit, and this is not to say that men's relationships with other men are equivalent to their relationship with women, but this IS to say that I think our perspectives need to be adjusted. There is Biblical basis for men and women being different; for certain, we were made for different roles and we were made at different times. But the ability of individuals to interact with others, male or female, are similar enough and face the same issues.)

And the definition of fellowship does not change - fellowship is the flow of God's glory through the Holy Spirit between and among God and God's children and we are enriched so when we act in fellowship. Acting in fellowship, i.e., acting in concert with God's commands to us, we cannot help but be enriched and not just because of future rewards, but because we are prisms of God's glory.

And here's the point: if there is a difficulty to act within this model, then the problem isn't that we aren't built for that purpose of fellowship (which we clearly are), but we have by our own twisted perspective of ourselves disfigured our very selves and in so doing, prevented ourselves from being proper prisms. The differences between men and women, which people have often commented as being a difficulty in creating true fellowship between guys, aren't inherent differences that came from God's design. God DID make men different than women, but not in the way that we would be able to love one another as Christ loves us, to bear each others burdens to fulfill Christ's law, and to love their neighbor as they would love themselves.)

What It Means To Be "In Christ"

Often, we find ourselves using words like "in Christ" to sign off. It is a welcome reminder of where we should be, but the question is how much of our bodies is really on the "inside" and how many inches of our back foot remain over the line that divides inside and outside.

In my reflections, I can only see what I am and what has happened in my life. And for me, I found a starting point when I realized that I had some twisted perspectives and some blocking filters in my vision.

First stumbling block: pride in one's self and one's accomplishments.
Second stumbling block: viewing the world as a zero-sum game.
Third stumbling block: having a long term goal of being independent from the idea of risk.

No where in the Bible can we see a vision of "being independent from risk." Paul doesn't teach it, neither does John nor Peter. Jesus Christ never told anyone to be independent from risk, but this has been an inherent part of my long term strategy. We hold jobs not necessarily because it is the right thing to do, but because it minimizes the risk of being unable to provide for ourselves and our family. We work hard at our jobs, to minimize the risk of losing our jobs. And we work towards that day when we no longer have to work, when the risk to ourselves and our familes is minimized. But this is all backwards. When does Jesus talk about risk assessment, divergence and decomposition?

These stumbling blocks lead to notions of individuality. We are all islands, and connected only by shared experiences. And this leads to my next point, which is how we can bridge the gaps between and among us.

The Bridge is Friendship, oddly enough.

Posit #1. Friendship, true friendship, is actually a reflection of the Trinity. What it is, is, ultimately, a reflection of fellowship, because that is what the Trinity is.

Posit #2. But friendship and fellowship do not start out in the same place, which is why you can have friendship without fellowship, which is like a marriage without God. On the other hand, I don't believe that you can have fellowship without friendship.

And if Posits 1 and 2 are true, then it may be that we have a starting place for what needs to be worked on. What we as individuals realize about each other, our weaknesses, our deficiencies, may be a big factor in why there issues with fellowship with those same people. And fellowship without friendship is no fellowship at all. Speaking with respect to only that which I know for sure, my own life, a time-intensive review of every single bit of history in my own past has convinced me that at least for me, just about every problem I have had with anyone has come from pride.

Pride destroys Friendship, makes Fellowship impossible.

I used to think that being humble was to lower ourselves so that we can help others, because how can we help anyone unless we are at the same level or lower than the person we are trying to help? But this is only a partial answer, and this partial answer really needs a significant adjustment, because the objective was never to "lower" ourselves, but to be humble. There should never be a time when we feel that we have to lower ourselves to serve others. We should already be there. It isn't a temporary state of being, for us to be lowered to serve, only to take the elevator back up to our "normal" state.

Pride makes you hide things from others. Pride makes you believe that you are due things or honor or respect from others. Pride makes you believe that you and your time is valuable, and so you and your time have worth intrinsic that needs to bartered, equal value for equal value. Pride tells you to wait until the other person calls/apologizes/acts first, because who knows whether the other person will feel the same as you, making you look like a fool if you go first. Pride tells you to watch your back because you cannot be absolutely sure that someone else. Pride kills friendships, prevents them from starting, stunts those friendships that do exist, preventing development into fellowship.

So what's the next step.

True humility leads to a permanent change in perspective. We learn to see things from perspectives outside of our own. We see through the eyes of others, at their level. And because the change is permanent, there is no pretense. No need to deviate from what we already are. We are who we are, and there is nothing to hide. I believe that this is the start of friendship. I think this is why it is easiest for people to be friends when they are both starting out in the same place.

The big thing here to keep in mind is that friendships (as a means toward fellowship) need to be nurtured. The end goal is to develop those characteristics of friendship that result in fellowship: love, trust, honesty, care, sharing of burdens and openness, and that there isn't much secret as to how to go about this. As with most things that are good, the answer is pretty obvious: prayer (which leads to action).

Most people think of friendship as apart from fellowship, and in a sense, it is, since, as I said above, you can have friendship without fellowship. But I don't think it works the other way around, and so I think to develop any kind of men's ministry, men need to re-learn what it means to be friends with one another, and in so doing, and in humility, openness, honesty and in love, develop fellowship.

So, in this spirit, I encourage you to be humble with one another, to begin at the beginning and pray that you might see others in their position, and not in yours. I encourage you to start with the idea that humility is a permanent state of being, and that friendship begets fellowship.


-David