Ideas for Men's Ministry (Part I)

This is Part 1 of a series of emails that I wrote, discussing matters of ministering to men, fellowship and what it means to be encouraged. These emails sprang out of what I felt needed to be emphasized in a men's group ministry.

Seeing what is real. The issue isn't who we are, but what we think we are.

I find that generalizing how "men" are, even given the inherent differences between men and women, are less than salutary. This is true even given cultural norms and traditional roles that are foisted upon men. If we find it difficult to reach out to other individuals or to let others reach out to us, to "be real," then this isn't necessarily a "man" issue, but it could be more of a perspective issue. In other words, what we perceive to be our nature may or may not be our nature.

(This is not to say that men do not have roles within the family unit, within the Christian governance unit, and this is not to say that men's relationships with other men are equivalent to their relationship with women, but this IS to say that I think our perspectives need to be adjusted. There is Biblical basis for men and women being different; for certain, we were made for different roles and we were made at different times. But the ability of individuals to interact with others, male or female, are similar enough and face the same issues.)

And the definition of fellowship does not change - fellowship is the flow of God's glory through the Holy Spirit between and among God and God's children and we are enriched so when we act in fellowship. Acting in fellowship, i.e., acting in concert with God's commands to us, we cannot help but be enriched and not just because of future rewards, but because we are prisms of God's glory.

And here's the point: if there is a difficulty to act within this model, then the problem isn't that we aren't built for that purpose of fellowship (which we clearly are), but we have by our own twisted perspective of ourselves disfigured our very selves and in so doing, prevented ourselves from being proper prisms. The differences between men and women, which people have often commented as being a difficulty in creating true fellowship between guys, aren't inherent differences that came from God's design. God DID make men different than women, but not in the way that we would be able to love one another as Christ loves us, to bear each others burdens to fulfill Christ's law, and to love their neighbor as they would love themselves.)

What It Means To Be "In Christ"

Often, we find ourselves using words like "in Christ" to sign off. It is a welcome reminder of where we should be, but the question is how much of our bodies is really on the "inside" and how many inches of our back foot remain over the line that divides inside and outside.

In my reflections, I can only see what I am and what has happened in my life. And for me, I found a starting point when I realized that I had some twisted perspectives and some blocking filters in my vision.

First stumbling block: pride in one's self and one's accomplishments.
Second stumbling block: viewing the world as a zero-sum game.
Third stumbling block: having a long term goal of being independent from the idea of risk.

No where in the Bible can we see a vision of "being independent from risk." Paul doesn't teach it, neither does John nor Peter. Jesus Christ never told anyone to be independent from risk, but this has been an inherent part of my long term strategy. We hold jobs not necessarily because it is the right thing to do, but because it minimizes the risk of being unable to provide for ourselves and our family. We work hard at our jobs, to minimize the risk of losing our jobs. And we work towards that day when we no longer have to work, when the risk to ourselves and our familes is minimized. But this is all backwards. When does Jesus talk about risk assessment, divergence and decomposition?

These stumbling blocks lead to notions of individuality. We are all islands, and connected only by shared experiences. And this leads to my next point, which is how we can bridge the gaps between and among us.

The Bridge is Friendship, oddly enough.

Posit #1. Friendship, true friendship, is actually a reflection of the Trinity. What it is, is, ultimately, a reflection of fellowship, because that is what the Trinity is.

Posit #2. But friendship and fellowship do not start out in the same place, which is why you can have friendship without fellowship, which is like a marriage without God. On the other hand, I don't believe that you can have fellowship without friendship.

And if Posits 1 and 2 are true, then it may be that we have a starting place for what needs to be worked on. What we as individuals realize about each other, our weaknesses, our deficiencies, may be a big factor in why there issues with fellowship with those same people. And fellowship without friendship is no fellowship at all. Speaking with respect to only that which I know for sure, my own life, a time-intensive review of every single bit of history in my own past has convinced me that at least for me, just about every problem I have had with anyone has come from pride.

Pride destroys Friendship, makes Fellowship impossible.

I used to think that being humble was to lower ourselves so that we can help others, because how can we help anyone unless we are at the same level or lower than the person we are trying to help? But this is only a partial answer, and this partial answer really needs a significant adjustment, because the objective was never to "lower" ourselves, but to be humble. There should never be a time when we feel that we have to lower ourselves to serve others. We should already be there. It isn't a temporary state of being, for us to be lowered to serve, only to take the elevator back up to our "normal" state.

Pride makes you hide things from others. Pride makes you believe that you are due things or honor or respect from others. Pride makes you believe that you and your time is valuable, and so you and your time have worth intrinsic that needs to bartered, equal value for equal value. Pride tells you to wait until the other person calls/apologizes/acts first, because who knows whether the other person will feel the same as you, making you look like a fool if you go first. Pride tells you to watch your back because you cannot be absolutely sure that someone else. Pride kills friendships, prevents them from starting, stunts those friendships that do exist, preventing development into fellowship.

So what's the next step.

True humility leads to a permanent change in perspective. We learn to see things from perspectives outside of our own. We see through the eyes of others, at their level. And because the change is permanent, there is no pretense. No need to deviate from what we already are. We are who we are, and there is nothing to hide. I believe that this is the start of friendship. I think this is why it is easiest for people to be friends when they are both starting out in the same place.

The big thing here to keep in mind is that friendships (as a means toward fellowship) need to be nurtured. The end goal is to develop those characteristics of friendship that result in fellowship: love, trust, honesty, care, sharing of burdens and openness, and that there isn't much secret as to how to go about this. As with most things that are good, the answer is pretty obvious: prayer (which leads to action).

Most people think of friendship as apart from fellowship, and in a sense, it is, since, as I said above, you can have friendship without fellowship. But I don't think it works the other way around, and so I think to develop any kind of men's ministry, men need to re-learn what it means to be friends with one another, and in so doing, and in humility, openness, honesty and in love, develop fellowship.

So, in this spirit, I encourage you to be humble with one another, to begin at the beginning and pray that you might see others in their position, and not in yours. I encourage you to start with the idea that humility is a permanent state of being, and that friendship begets fellowship.


-David