This is my last post.
I realized something today, in the warm sunshine and in the springtime air.
I was sitting outside on a bench, eating my lunch, and I saw a bird swoop down and then grab something that looked like a piece of bread on the ground and then take off. The bird soared up the side of a building, then circled in a lazy "S," and then was gone.
The bird is an animal, driven first by the need to eat and then by the need to propagate. Its need for community is possibly far down on its list of priorities, if at all.
Humans, on the other hand, are not meant to be alone. The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone," and God is not wrong. Humans are meant to be in community with one another, because it is by relationships that we develop the ability to give and receive love, and this is not an option but a requirement of relationships. Christian fellowship, too, this requires more than one person. Even God has fellowship with His Son and the Holy Spirit, and in so doing, represents the idea of fellowship and love.
So for me to not be an animal, but a human being, I need to do more than eat, work and sleep. And, humans do this by relating to one another. We search for community where we can find it, and then we develop relationships based on cultural norms to satisfy our dual comforts of privacy and hierarchy.
I have held onto the idea that I could find community in ideas and thoughts, and by expressing them, I could read them later and find meaning and comfort in the words themselves.
This has proved to be only partially true, and I find myself wondering whether I am more like a bird than I am a human.
Community and fellowship are not optional for humans. We were designed for fellowship. We were designed to be in community with one another. The fact that I have no fellowship and I have no community is not the fault of the Maker, but the fault of the one who spends his time thinking and trying to relate to nobody in particular.
I apologize to myself. I started this blog not for others to read, but for myself to ponder what I have written. And now, I think I have pondered enough.
Best wishes,
-David
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Saturday, March 07, 2009
A Conversation With Myself
A conversation with myself:
Me2: Not to be abrupt, but you called me here. What do you want to talk about?
Me: I just wanted some one to talk with. That okay?
Me2: (uncomfortable) That's fine, I guess. It's a bit of a passive-aggressive statement, though. I sort of feel like I'm being trapped in this conversation now.
Me: (surprised) You asked, I answered. I could have lied but I didn't.
Me2: It is a difficult thing, for sure, to split courtesy hairs and find the balance between being forthright and keeping one's thoughts private for the sake of the other person.
Me: Now I feel bad that I told you; a more compassionate person would have simply nodded and understood - and then maybe would have taken a listening pose. The way you took my admission of erstwhile loneliness means that you care more about yourself than you do about me.
Me2: A bit difficult to understand - since I am you, and so either you have MPD multiple personality disorder or you are telling yourself that you are actually uncaring about yourself. I doubt you are that mentally unbalanced, so I guess you are not really the touchy-feely kind of guy.
Me: (silent for a while) Perhaps that's why I am lonely sometimes.
Me2: (smug) Perhaps you should spend more time with other people, rather than calling yourself out for a conversation you clearly are regretting. What will you do now, now that you have found yourself to be selfish and maybe with a touch of split-personality?
Me: (irritated) Let's start over. Two topics come to mind. Korean dramas being the first, so let's start there. I was wondering what you think about why Korean TV dramas strike you so deeply. You are clearly addicted, like so many others caught in the Hallyu wave.
Me2: Well, it's no surprise that I like Korean dramas. That doesn't make me any different from the millions of other people who watch regularly. But speaking only for myself, I guess the main thing for me is that Korean dramas takes place in fantasy worlds, worlds that are generally far better and far more clear to understand than my own world. I feel safer in the fantasy world, where I only have to worry about a few things, than in my world, where I have to worry about everything and everyone.
Me: (leaning forward) Is your life that difficult, that you need to flee to an unreal world?
Me2: (closes eyes and leans back) A two-dimensional world is always easier to live than the real world. In my world, I've got so many obstacles both big and small. For instance, I have a wool coat whose jacket pocket has a hole that I need to get mended, but I am slightly scared of the Korean dry cleaners owners in my building, because they always ask questions and get personal with me. And so I've not been back to them in months, and now I feel awkward going back to them for them to sew a hole in my pocket. They would pester and criticize me for sure. I've not seen this particular problem being an issue with any Korean TV drama characters. And add a thousand problems like that, plus all the big problems that weigh me down, and that's the real world that you will never find in the fantasy world.
Me: But that would be true of any television show, video game, or novel. Other people's stories are crystalized into the essence, leaving out the dreck of reality - otherwise, nobody would watch. But why Korean dramas when every novel, movie and tv show tries to accomplish the same thing?
Me2: (silent for a while) I guess a part of me wishes that I could meet the some of the characters in these Korean dramas. They are just so different from anything you see in the popular cultural medium in the United States. In Korean dramas, you see the male heroes going to ludicrous ends to be loyal, even beyond the end of their vision, you have the heroines who are inspirational, optimistic and enduring, even beyond normal human capacity. You get to see the kind of friendships that are just nonexistent in my world. And these characters are all intelligent, bright, with life and energy and with distinct purpose in their lives. I don't know people like that in my world.
Me: Wouldn't that include you as well?
Me2: Yeah, I wouldn't be accepted by those characters either - friendship is a two-way street, and I just don't have enough to offer any of them, that they would be interested in being friends with me. But, that doesn't stop me from admiring them and wishing that I were different, that my life were different, that I had friends like them. If I had a different personality, if I could go back in time, if I were just less of a dork, if I were just more fun to be with...
Me: You are blaming yourself? Couldn't it be the fault of the rest of the world?
Me2: (angry) What difference does it make who I blame? Will that change anything?
Me: Why do you hate yourself so much?
Me2: (pause) Are we switching topics? That was an abrupt segueway.
Me: Answer the question.
Me2: (icily) For the sake of civility and with due respect to you, I will answer but know this: I will never agree to this again. This isn't a conversation, this is an inquisition. And you are asking all the questions. As if I had no questions of my own, and as if I knew all the answers.
No, I don't hate myself. But I am disappointed in myself. Huge difference. Through my mind's eye, I see how happy I could be, and through my ability to dream, I see how my life could be if I were a different person, and then I wake up and I see how my life has turned out. And then I see how much of a struggle it is to get out of bed each day, and I wonder whether there was ever a signpost in my life's journey that said, "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN AROUND," and I wonder how long ago did I pass that signpost.
I am a hollow shell of my potential. Or, rather, I am the petty fulfillment of my potential, and it is only cruel irony that I am able to think beyond my capability. If ignorance is bliss, then the opposite of ignorance is pain.
And that's why I like Korean dramas. And that's why I listen to Korean sappy music. I immerse my self into a world where the world is simpler and I do not bear my disappointing life if only for a little while.
Me: (softly) You sound a little depressed.
Me2: Don't make the mistake of thinking you know me and you can figure me out in a single conversation. I'm not depressed. I am grateful for my life and I am grateful for all the blessings that I have received. But I am disappointed that I have not accepted many of the blessings that I have received.
Are we done here?
Me: I feel bad, because this conversation turned into an interrogation, and now you want permission to leave this conversation.
Me2: You could have thought this through a little more, I guess. Perhaps less intrusive questions and more conversational pieces.
Anyway, thanks for the chat and good luck.
Me: See you.
-David
Me2: Not to be abrupt, but you called me here. What do you want to talk about?
Me: I just wanted some one to talk with. That okay?
Me2: (uncomfortable) That's fine, I guess. It's a bit of a passive-aggressive statement, though. I sort of feel like I'm being trapped in this conversation now.
Me: (surprised) You asked, I answered. I could have lied but I didn't.
Me2: It is a difficult thing, for sure, to split courtesy hairs and find the balance between being forthright and keeping one's thoughts private for the sake of the other person.
Me: Now I feel bad that I told you; a more compassionate person would have simply nodded and understood - and then maybe would have taken a listening pose. The way you took my admission of erstwhile loneliness means that you care more about yourself than you do about me.
Me2: A bit difficult to understand - since I am you, and so either you have MPD multiple personality disorder or you are telling yourself that you are actually uncaring about yourself. I doubt you are that mentally unbalanced, so I guess you are not really the touchy-feely kind of guy.
Me: (silent for a while) Perhaps that's why I am lonely sometimes.
Me2: (smug) Perhaps you should spend more time with other people, rather than calling yourself out for a conversation you clearly are regretting. What will you do now, now that you have found yourself to be selfish and maybe with a touch of split-personality?
Me: (irritated) Let's start over. Two topics come to mind. Korean dramas being the first, so let's start there. I was wondering what you think about why Korean TV dramas strike you so deeply. You are clearly addicted, like so many others caught in the Hallyu wave.
Me2: Well, it's no surprise that I like Korean dramas. That doesn't make me any different from the millions of other people who watch regularly. But speaking only for myself, I guess the main thing for me is that Korean dramas takes place in fantasy worlds, worlds that are generally far better and far more clear to understand than my own world. I feel safer in the fantasy world, where I only have to worry about a few things, than in my world, where I have to worry about everything and everyone.
Me: (leaning forward) Is your life that difficult, that you need to flee to an unreal world?
Me2: (closes eyes and leans back) A two-dimensional world is always easier to live than the real world. In my world, I've got so many obstacles both big and small. For instance, I have a wool coat whose jacket pocket has a hole that I need to get mended, but I am slightly scared of the Korean dry cleaners owners in my building, because they always ask questions and get personal with me. And so I've not been back to them in months, and now I feel awkward going back to them for them to sew a hole in my pocket. They would pester and criticize me for sure. I've not seen this particular problem being an issue with any Korean TV drama characters. And add a thousand problems like that, plus all the big problems that weigh me down, and that's the real world that you will never find in the fantasy world.
Me: But that would be true of any television show, video game, or novel. Other people's stories are crystalized into the essence, leaving out the dreck of reality - otherwise, nobody would watch. But why Korean dramas when every novel, movie and tv show tries to accomplish the same thing?
Me2: (silent for a while) I guess a part of me wishes that I could meet the some of the characters in these Korean dramas. They are just so different from anything you see in the popular cultural medium in the United States. In Korean dramas, you see the male heroes going to ludicrous ends to be loyal, even beyond the end of their vision, you have the heroines who are inspirational, optimistic and enduring, even beyond normal human capacity. You get to see the kind of friendships that are just nonexistent in my world. And these characters are all intelligent, bright, with life and energy and with distinct purpose in their lives. I don't know people like that in my world.
Me: Wouldn't that include you as well?
Me2: Yeah, I wouldn't be accepted by those characters either - friendship is a two-way street, and I just don't have enough to offer any of them, that they would be interested in being friends with me. But, that doesn't stop me from admiring them and wishing that I were different, that my life were different, that I had friends like them. If I had a different personality, if I could go back in time, if I were just less of a dork, if I were just more fun to be with...
Me: You are blaming yourself? Couldn't it be the fault of the rest of the world?
Me2: (angry) What difference does it make who I blame? Will that change anything?
Me: Why do you hate yourself so much?
Me2: (pause) Are we switching topics? That was an abrupt segueway.
Me: Answer the question.
Me2: (icily) For the sake of civility and with due respect to you, I will answer but know this: I will never agree to this again. This isn't a conversation, this is an inquisition. And you are asking all the questions. As if I had no questions of my own, and as if I knew all the answers.
No, I don't hate myself. But I am disappointed in myself. Huge difference. Through my mind's eye, I see how happy I could be, and through my ability to dream, I see how my life could be if I were a different person, and then I wake up and I see how my life has turned out. And then I see how much of a struggle it is to get out of bed each day, and I wonder whether there was ever a signpost in my life's journey that said, "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN AROUND," and I wonder how long ago did I pass that signpost.
I am a hollow shell of my potential. Or, rather, I am the petty fulfillment of my potential, and it is only cruel irony that I am able to think beyond my capability. If ignorance is bliss, then the opposite of ignorance is pain.
And that's why I like Korean dramas. And that's why I listen to Korean sappy music. I immerse my self into a world where the world is simpler and I do not bear my disappointing life if only for a little while.
Me: (softly) You sound a little depressed.
Me2: Don't make the mistake of thinking you know me and you can figure me out in a single conversation. I'm not depressed. I am grateful for my life and I am grateful for all the blessings that I have received. But I am disappointed that I have not accepted many of the blessings that I have received.
Are we done here?
Me: I feel bad, because this conversation turned into an interrogation, and now you want permission to leave this conversation.
Me2: You could have thought this through a little more, I guess. Perhaps less intrusive questions and more conversational pieces.
Anyway, thanks for the chat and good luck.
Me: See you.
-David
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Back At It Again - Resonance With Love
It's been a while since I last wrote a post. My excuse is that I had an exercise in tilling a potential friendship, and I put all my efforts into that. And though it didn't work out (a complete disaster!), I figured some things out. So it wasn't a total loss. In fact, I learned more in the past few months than I have in a long time.
The first thing that I've figured out, and the subject of this post, is that humans are built to resonate Love. We are built to resonate Love, because this is how God has commanded us to fulfill the Law.
Here are the facts:
1. Love is so necessary for living.
Love is indescribable as a concept. It can be felt but not encompassed. Love is more than a feeling, more than a thought, and more than words or actions. When the Father sent His Son to die for the sins of those unworthy to even behold His face, can this be explained by a single word? What does it mean when a mother holds her newborn babe, or when a daughter touches the newly-hewn gravestone of her mother?
Love is from God. It is therefore Holy, and it is therefore Good. And from God, it is necessary for us to have it. And I wonder how many problems of this world would be neutralized if people took to heart what it means to live, and why we live.
I am beginning to figure out that we live to experience Love. We live because we have the capacity to Love and in this we have the beginning of an understanding of our existence. Often I go back to the Greatest Commandments of which there are but two, and both involve Love. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. And you shall love your neighbor as yourself. These are imperatives, not anything optional or conditional.
Why do the two Greatest Commandments both involve the same verb? Apostle Paul says that Love is the fulfillment of the Law, and so we must consider why God has placed so much emphasis on Love. I think it is because we cannot live without it. Love gives meaning to our lives, and Love gives direction to our paths. Love also nourishes us, and when it is given to us, we bask in our Father's glory, because of the fulfillment of the Law. And so, we are given the tools for our own survival, and for our own meaning. We are to love the LORD with all of ourselves, and we are to love those around us.
2. Right now, I am a poor vessel to hold Love.
I do not accept love easily, and so I do not give love easily. Both need to be corrected sooner than later. Not accepting love easily means that I have less love to give to others. It makes me suspicious and cynical, it makes me bitter and angry, it makes me tired, scared and weak. Not accepting love easily means that I cannot grow easily, and it means that I have been lost without purpose. And as critically, I have only a little love to give, unable to fulfill the most basic of Commandments. What a tragedy!
Often, I have wondered why I have so few "true" friends. At last count, not including my wife, I have a single "true' friend. But I think I have figured it out to some degree. And I don't think I am going to like what I figured out. I think the reason I have so few friends because my definition of what makes a "friend" includes too many extraneous things. All that matters is whether you love that person, and whether that person is able to love you back. And everything else that I use as a filter.... those things are not about friendship at all, but are merely elements of vanity.
We see ourselves in the friends we choose, either as contrast to ourselves or as mirrors to ourselves. We see common links and we enjoy the feeling of closeness and of privity. We share common memories and common hopes, struggles and so on. These are not necessarily bad things, but when we use these filters to screen out people from love, then we are in direct disobedience to God and to his Greatest Commandments. How does it feel to Sin? Well, it feels a lot like I do sometimes - cynical, lonely, bitter and tired.
3. It is a tough thing, but Love isn't to be discriminated and held for some and not for others.
This is a tough thing, and I have not much (or too much) to say about this right now.
More later,
-David
The first thing that I've figured out, and the subject of this post, is that humans are built to resonate Love. We are built to resonate Love, because this is how God has commanded us to fulfill the Law.
Here are the facts:
1. Love is so necessary for living.
Love is indescribable as a concept. It can be felt but not encompassed. Love is more than a feeling, more than a thought, and more than words or actions. When the Father sent His Son to die for the sins of those unworthy to even behold His face, can this be explained by a single word? What does it mean when a mother holds her newborn babe, or when a daughter touches the newly-hewn gravestone of her mother?
Love is from God. It is therefore Holy, and it is therefore Good. And from God, it is necessary for us to have it. And I wonder how many problems of this world would be neutralized if people took to heart what it means to live, and why we live.
I am beginning to figure out that we live to experience Love. We live because we have the capacity to Love and in this we have the beginning of an understanding of our existence. Often I go back to the Greatest Commandments of which there are but two, and both involve Love. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. And you shall love your neighbor as yourself. These are imperatives, not anything optional or conditional.
Why do the two Greatest Commandments both involve the same verb? Apostle Paul says that Love is the fulfillment of the Law, and so we must consider why God has placed so much emphasis on Love. I think it is because we cannot live without it. Love gives meaning to our lives, and Love gives direction to our paths. Love also nourishes us, and when it is given to us, we bask in our Father's glory, because of the fulfillment of the Law. And so, we are given the tools for our own survival, and for our own meaning. We are to love the LORD with all of ourselves, and we are to love those around us.
2. Right now, I am a poor vessel to hold Love.
I do not accept love easily, and so I do not give love easily. Both need to be corrected sooner than later. Not accepting love easily means that I have less love to give to others. It makes me suspicious and cynical, it makes me bitter and angry, it makes me tired, scared and weak. Not accepting love easily means that I cannot grow easily, and it means that I have been lost without purpose. And as critically, I have only a little love to give, unable to fulfill the most basic of Commandments. What a tragedy!
Often, I have wondered why I have so few "true" friends. At last count, not including my wife, I have a single "true' friend. But I think I have figured it out to some degree. And I don't think I am going to like what I figured out. I think the reason I have so few friends because my definition of what makes a "friend" includes too many extraneous things. All that matters is whether you love that person, and whether that person is able to love you back. And everything else that I use as a filter.... those things are not about friendship at all, but are merely elements of vanity.
We see ourselves in the friends we choose, either as contrast to ourselves or as mirrors to ourselves. We see common links and we enjoy the feeling of closeness and of privity. We share common memories and common hopes, struggles and so on. These are not necessarily bad things, but when we use these filters to screen out people from love, then we are in direct disobedience to God and to his Greatest Commandments. How does it feel to Sin? Well, it feels a lot like I do sometimes - cynical, lonely, bitter and tired.
3. It is a tough thing, but Love isn't to be discriminated and held for some and not for others.
This is a tough thing, and I have not much (or too much) to say about this right now.
More later,
-David
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