A Conversation With Myself

A conversation with myself:

Me2: Not to be abrupt, but you called me here. What do you want to talk about?

Me: I just wanted some one to talk with. That okay?

Me2: (uncomfortable) That's fine, I guess. It's a bit of a passive-aggressive statement, though. I sort of feel like I'm being trapped in this conversation now.

Me: (surprised) You asked, I answered. I could have lied but I didn't.

Me2: It is a difficult thing, for sure, to split courtesy hairs and find the balance between being forthright and keeping one's thoughts private for the sake of the other person.

Me: Now I feel bad that I told you; a more compassionate person would have simply nodded and understood - and then maybe would have taken a listening pose. The way you took my admission of erstwhile loneliness means that you care more about yourself than you do about me.

Me2: A bit difficult to understand - since I am you, and so either you have MPD multiple personality disorder or you are telling yourself that you are actually uncaring about yourself. I doubt you are that mentally unbalanced, so I guess you are not really the touchy-feely kind of guy.

Me: (silent for a while) Perhaps that's why I am lonely sometimes.

Me2: (smug) Perhaps you should spend more time with other people, rather than calling yourself out for a conversation you clearly are regretting. What will you do now, now that you have found yourself to be selfish and maybe with a touch of split-personality?

Me: (irritated) Let's start over. Two topics come to mind. Korean dramas being the first, so let's start there. I was wondering what you think about why Korean TV dramas strike you so deeply. You are clearly addicted, like so many others caught in the Hallyu wave.

Me2: Well, it's no surprise that I like Korean dramas. That doesn't make me any different from the millions of other people who watch regularly. But speaking only for myself, I guess the main thing for me is that Korean dramas takes place in fantasy worlds, worlds that are generally far better and far more clear to understand than my own world. I feel safer in the fantasy world, where I only have to worry about a few things, than in my world, where I have to worry about everything and everyone.

Me: (leaning forward) Is your life that difficult, that you need to flee to an unreal world?

Me2: (closes eyes and leans back) A two-dimensional world is always easier to live than the real world. In my world, I've got so many obstacles both big and small. For instance, I have a wool coat whose jacket pocket has a hole that I need to get mended, but I am slightly scared of the Korean dry cleaners owners in my building, because they always ask questions and get personal with me. And so I've not been back to them in months, and now I feel awkward going back to them for them to sew a hole in my pocket. They would pester and criticize me for sure. I've not seen this particular problem being an issue with any Korean TV drama characters. And add a thousand problems like that, plus all the big problems that weigh me down, and that's the real world that you will never find in the fantasy world.

Me: But that would be true of any television show, video game, or novel. Other people's stories are crystalized into the essence, leaving out the dreck of reality - otherwise, nobody would watch. But why Korean dramas when every novel, movie and tv show tries to accomplish the same thing?

Me2: (silent for a while) I guess a part of me wishes that I could meet the some of the characters in these Korean dramas. They are just so different from anything you see in the popular cultural medium in the United States. In Korean dramas, you see the male heroes going to ludicrous ends to be loyal, even beyond the end of their vision, you have the heroines who are inspirational, optimistic and enduring, even beyond normal human capacity. You get to see the kind of friendships that are just nonexistent in my world. And these characters are all intelligent, bright, with life and energy and with distinct purpose in their lives. I don't know people like that in my world.

Me: Wouldn't that include you as well?

Me2: Yeah, I wouldn't be accepted by those characters either - friendship is a two-way street, and I just don't have enough to offer any of them, that they would be interested in being friends with me. But, that doesn't stop me from admiring them and wishing that I were different, that my life were different, that I had friends like them. If I had a different personality, if I could go back in time, if I were just less of a dork, if I were just more fun to be with...

Me: You are blaming yourself? Couldn't it be the fault of the rest of the world?

Me2: (angry) What difference does it make who I blame? Will that change anything?

Me: Why do you hate yourself so much?

Me2: (pause) Are we switching topics? That was an abrupt segueway.

Me: Answer the question.

Me2: (icily) For the sake of civility and with due respect to you, I will answer but know this: I will never agree to this again. This isn't a conversation, this is an inquisition. And you are asking all the questions. As if I had no questions of my own, and as if I knew all the answers.

No, I don't hate myself. But I am disappointed in myself. Huge difference. Through my mind's eye, I see how happy I could be, and through my ability to dream, I see how my life could be if I were a different person, and then I wake up and I see how my life has turned out. And then I see how much of a struggle it is to get out of bed each day, and I wonder whether there was ever a signpost in my life's journey that said, "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN AROUND," and I wonder how long ago did I pass that signpost.

I am a hollow shell of my potential. Or, rather, I am the petty fulfillment of my potential, and it is only cruel irony that I am able to think beyond my capability. If ignorance is bliss, then the opposite of ignorance is pain.

And that's why I like Korean dramas. And that's why I listen to Korean sappy music. I immerse my self into a world where the world is simpler and I do not bear my disappointing life if only for a little while.

Me: (softly) You sound a little depressed.

Me2: Don't make the mistake of thinking you know me and you can figure me out in a single conversation. I'm not depressed. I am grateful for my life and I am grateful for all the blessings that I have received. But I am disappointed that I have not accepted many of the blessings that I have received.

Are we done here?

Me: I feel bad, because this conversation turned into an interrogation, and now you want permission to leave this conversation.

Me2: You could have thought this through a little more, I guess. Perhaps less intrusive questions and more conversational pieces.

Anyway, thanks for the chat and good luck.

Me: See you.

-David