An Apology Not Given

**

I think I owe someone an apology. I mean, I DO owe someone an apology (and in actuality, I owe multiple people multiple apologies), but I think I will not give it. At least, not right now. And it isn't because such person(s) do not deserve the apology (regardless of whether I should give it), but honestly, at this late date, what good can it do?

The milk is already spilled, and apologizing over it will not put the liquid back into container.

I believe that I am, now (more than I was, in anycase), a mostly-decent person. Every day, I try my best to help people in whatever ways that I can, and I have very little motivated self-interest in it except perhaps as tinge of a too-little, too-late pennance for my years of misdeeds and ills that I have heaped upon others. That, and a fairly strong double dose of (1) an OCD-like urge to make things better for everyone and (2) in-grained duty to help because that's how I've been trained. The psychological cocktail of reasons aside, I try my best to avoid hurting others and to be more responsible for my actions and inactions.

But, I also have my not-so-decent side (or, rather, had a not-so-decent side), and if there was a showdown between the number of people I've helped, versus the number of people I've hurt, the race would be too close to call. So, by my rather recent turning of a new leaf, have I earned enough do-gooding credit to stand again and face the people I see at, say, church, with my eyes no longer down, or without a heart hardened against emotional attachment?

No, I know this isn't true. And I don't think I will ever earn enough credit to do so. I am not like other people and I cannot give myself the benefit of the doubt. This isn't a court case where someone else has to prove whether I am guilty. I've seen what intents were hidden deep in my mind, and I cannot escape from myself. When I see other people, I know that I can only try to be better now, but I will never be as good or as decent as others.

So then what is the point for apologies? Since it is abundantly clear that I cannot make things right on my own, and apologizing only brings attention to my deficiencies and past misdeeds. (Or, in the alternative, if I take the Christian perspective on things, then I have already been set free of all guilt, and thus am clean as a pristine winter's snowfall. And in such state of cleanliness, there wouldn't be a need to apologize anyway. If God is the only one who can truly forgive, then why am I so bent out of shape about apologizing or trying to make things right or trying to at least be not as bad as the average person?). If it is the case that I cannot atone for my life by myself, and if it is the case that I cannot make whole that which I've broken, then what is the point?

To the people that I've hurt (whether a little or a lot), to those who still bear the scars of such pain (by their own sense of what is right or wrong), to those whose lives I've ruined in whole or in part (again, in their perspective, and not anyone else's), or irrevocably changed, it is theoretically impossible to generate enough credit to repair and to replace what I've destroyed. I am (as is probably already the case for just about everyone), best left to be forgotten. And in most cases, they probably don't even remember. Which is good (and which brings up the point about why apologize now).

Time heals wounds better than anything I can do or say. And to those who still have to deal with me, like, for example, my parents, or former friends that still are around, there can never be enough that I can do to repair the damaged relationships. My relationship with my parents and my family is such a tortured one, which has probably given me enough justification to cry out for mitigation, but then where would free will be.

So, then, I think, why apologize at all. It is just a half-hearted attempt to assuage my own sense of guilt or to whitewash my own view of the past. There is no sense is dredging up the already muddied waters, and there is no benefit to the oppressed. It is all self-interest on my part -

(1) For one thing, I may want to repair the relationship for my own selfish reasons.
(2) Or maybe I feel so guilty, that only a heartfelt and honest apology, followed by a heartfelt and honest acceptance of such apology, can make me sleep better at night.
(3) Or, even though I may sense that such person(s) would be benefitted from my apology, I can never truly separate the benefit received by said person and the benefit I receive from having benefited an aggrieved person (of course, without substantial psychoanalysis for each and every instance, how can I be sure of my own motives for anything).

Back on topic - To apologize, in this context I think, would leave me feeling dirty and not clean because this kind of altruism cannot be proved. And even if I could do good by apologizing, it is likely that if I hadn't done it by now, any good to the aggrieved would be far outweighed by the suspicion by the receiver of the apology that, in fact, I am only trying to serve my own interest. (Now, a part of me thinks that I am only trying to weasel myself out of apologizing, but even if that were true, it doesn't mean that I am not right about whether I should or shouldn't apologize now.)

**

Why is this important, if God is the only judge that matters?

Well, God is the only judge that matters, yes. But in this fallen world, people matter because relationships matter, and because God makes us matter. We are imperfect instruments of God's grace, at times, and during the other times, we can in fact exercise our free will to the destruction of everyone. Who can apologize for that? Who can forgive us for our own free will, the evil we do for whatever reasons or none at all?

Relationships with other people are all that we have right now, at least, all that we can see and feel and touch. God's hand works among us, among other ways, and God's touch can be felt through the hand of another life. The Body of Christ is made of such hands, and so are these relationships holy, or, at least, they can be holy. And though we are dirty and human, these are the only relationships we have between us, and so we must work to constantly fix and repair, lest we all drown in the pools of self-interest and destruction.

Moreover, despite the fact that when we aggrieve someone, we can ask forgiveness from God and receive it, the body of Christ is still hurt. We are causers, or rather, I, myself, am the cause of the pain. And if I am to live in the body of Christ, then I have to address the pain and not ignore it. That is a responsibility, mandated by God, if not by letter then by context. We must love one another as ourselves, and as God forgives, so must we forgive.

Nevertheless, most times I think about apologizing and trying to repair or to heal, I get a strong sense that there is nothing I can do. My apologies are just words, after all, and no apologies can bring the lost resource of time, or change the course of history to stop the pain from ever being there.

And so, in conclusion I guess, I've taken the easy way out. I avoid conflict and dredging by avoiding the giving of the apology. I also avoid the fruitless gesture of trying to replace actual pain with words of consolement, but the self-centered aspect of it all certainly does limit the effectiveness of it all. In the end though, I think I can see why I don't apologize. I am still the coward. And cowards shirk from hard tasks that fall to those with courage.

Maybe some day, I will be able to gain the courage it takes to take ahold of the fear, the shame and passive acceptance. But until then, the best I can do is this: to those whom I truly done wrong, I do apologize (small comfort since no one reads these posts!!). But if you are waiting for a personal one, you will have to wait until I am less of a craven.

-David