M Is For Marriage!

Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my marriage to my wife.

The word, "wedlock" stems from the old English word wedlok. Broken down, you have the terms "wedd" meaning pledge and "lok" meaning activity or state of being. Marriage essentially is a pledge or promise between two people and the state of being in promise for as long as the marriage exists.

From a legal standpoint, marriage is pretty much the same thing. It is a contract between two people, recognized by the relevant municipalities and governments, that gives rise to certain rights and obligations of the parties involved. And the essence of a contract is really just a set of promises given and received.

Marriage is also a building block of family. In the traditional sense, marriage opens the doors to parenthood and creating additional members of the family. It unites two separate groups of people and then builds additional bonds over time. Marriage thus is a connector for community-building and over the generations, the bonds may link together hundreds or even thousands of people.

So that's marriage from the micro to the macro. But this introduction says next to nothing about what marriage is like, nor what it takes to make a marriage a successful one.

In the short-time I have been married, I have learned a few things about the institution of marriage, and they all begin with the letter "M".

M is for Mutality.

Mutuality is the state of giving and receiving. It intimates the idea of equality, because each person is a partner who is at once both benefiting and sacrificing for the other. There is no greater principle of marriage, in my opinion. Every action, taken by either the husband or the wife, if done within the principle of mutuality, will result in the strengthening of the marriage. Those actions taken unilaterally run the risk of damaging the state of mutuality, and thus, hurting marriage.

This is a tough one at times. What exactly does this mean, with respect to daily activities that married people go through? Well, that's thing thing. You have to find perspectives where each person benefits and sacrifices for the other. Let's take the chores of laundry, washing dishes or cleaning the house. In these types of chores, the benefit appears to innure only to the person who doesn't have to do these laborious tasks, while the sacrifice clearly lies with the person who undertakes the tasks. But it doesn't have to be that way. If both people take to making each chore an activity of fun, then it definitely becomes a benefit to do the activity. Both then are sacrificing, and both are enjoying themselves and mutuality is preserved.

M is for Mortality.

Yep, this is another big one. While love may be infinite and indefinite, people are not. We are mortal, and the understanding that we have such a limited time in this universe should give us the proper perspective here. Marriage too is mortal, and can often be an ephermeral thing. Mortality shows us that we are insignificant beings in the grand scope of time, and that we should not place ourselves too high on a pedestal.

This is important because mutuality presumes the equality of the partners. And mortality keeps this in perspective. The poet Shelley gave us this great line from his famous work Ozymandias:

"And on the pedestal these words appear --
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."

Even the mighty disappear in the stretch of time, leaving nothing but empty words that are meaningless to those whose lives felt none of the power of those who thought themselves supreme. It is sobering then to see our simple lives. And through this perspective, we should ask ourselves this question if we find ourselves imbroiled in argument: "is not submission the better part of wisdom; is not submission the better part of agreement; is not submission the greater part of partnership, if in the end we will all face the Creator as a speck of sand and not some great statue of power?"

M is for Myth.

Finally, the last M is for Myth. By myth, I mean the ideals and romanticism that surround the institution of marriage. Bright-eyed and full of wonder do people enter into the realm of marriage, often unaware that love, passion and marriage often are not the same.

Human beings are transient creatures, often turning into completely different people over short periods of time. Circumstances often deal people cruel blows, putting difficult obstacles and tragedies in the way of a smooth journey. Children complicate things, sometimes exponentially, and as various familial inter-connections wax and wane, unavoidable stress is introduced into what was once a happy relationship of two.

The reality and impact of love is no myth, and its importance cannot be understated. But love is NOT marriage, and marriage is NOT love. So many people equate the two, and thus when one begins to feel "out of love", then they seek to dissolve the union. And thus the myth prevails while the marriage dies. Love is a sacrifice, but it isn't a benefit. Love doesn't fit the paradigm of mutuality and thus cannot be used to sustain a marriage.

Is love important? Absolutely. It is part of the equation, but it isn't the sole ingredient of marriage, and it certainly isn't a substitute for mutuality, or for self-awareness for that matter.

Genesis 2:24 says this, following the "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh" speech by man:

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. "

Man and woman are made into a single entity, not because of love, but because they were made to be together, literally made to be one. The mutuality is evident in Genesis 2:24. Man and woman, joined to benefit one another, and being part of each other, sacrificed individualism for unitarism.

That's about it for the M's. As for what marriage is like, well, that is a post for another time, and in anycase, every marriage is different, unique and special.

Happy Second Anniversary, Hannah. We were made to be one, and partners in this great journey. I love you.

-David